Itachi Uchiha: The Unofficial Interview
by S. Chiba
Summary: the secrets and accomplishments of the infamous itachi uchiha... all revealed on a nationwide talkshow... complete with Sasuke critizism... read and learn!


Itachi Uchiha: The Interview

Me/interview person: Welcome to another episode of… what's this show called again…? Anyway, our next guest is… the renowned murderer, creator of Itachi's Moving Chocolate Van, Atsuki member, purple nail painter, and adored older brother, Itachi Uchiha…! 

Audience: Yay…! cheer, cheering, cheer clap, clapping, clap 

Sasuke: Boo! throws random piece of fruit… like a pumpkin... wait that's a veggie? 

Itachi: Hello… my adoring fans…! Thank you…! bow 

Me/interview person: So… Itachi… sit down… please tell us about yourself… 

Itachi: Of course… sits down I was born that one fateful day… eighteen years ago… or was it twenty…? I was a very cute happy innocent baby.

Audience: Aww… sigh 

Itachi: smile yes… I was a immensely adorable baby… pulls out picture I had no thought of evil or murder at that time…

Sasuke: LIAR…! You were evil from the day you were brought into this cursed world..! Put my baby picture away…! Bastard….! 

Itachi: Anyway… at the adolescent age of thirteen I had to make the terible choce of killing my family… two weeks ago, I won the Best Big Brother Contest and i got my nails done an hour ago. 

Me/interview person: Very nice... so Itachi, you said you killed your family... Why? 

Itachi: The truth is that I never wanted to... you see i did it for the best...

Me/interview person: You did it for the best...? Members of out audience seem to disagree... 

Itachi: Alas... i cannot change the past... nor can i regret my actions... weep but i made the tough decison to kill my fami for three good reasons... 

Me: Go on...

Itachi: Well... my family did not support me... I liked to paint my nails purple and they thought that it was a waste of time and money... another reason i killed them was because they didn't want me to... to... to... sob its too awful... i can't talk about it...

Audience: The poor boy... sniffle 

Sasuke: sweatdrop i... feel... kinda sorry... i had no idea... tear WAIT...! NO! He murdered mom and dad... REVENGE..! 

Me: Please go on... pulls out hankie

Itachi: if you insist... blows nose I had to also kill him because... they wouldn't let me pursue my dream as a chocolatier...! Chocolate is my passion and they refused to let me start my chocolate company... 

Me: I see... but Itachi... don't those seem like selfish reasons...?

Itachi: Glare Whose side are you on anyway...? awkward silence i mean... i know they do... but in reality they aren't. i mean... if i hadn't killed them... who would supply the stupid... i mean generous general public with chocolates... there wouldn't be any Itachi Chocolates for us to enjoy. Think about your favorites that would be undiscovered... there wold be no chaos in the world... that would be terrible... 

Audience: nod i agree... uh-huh... 

Me: okay... but you said you had three reasons... that was only two...

Itachi: Well... the third reason... is the main reason i killed my clan... you must understand that the murder was technically not my fault...

Me: And how is that...? 

Itachi: the truth is i was blackmailed into killing my family...

Audience: GASP...!

Sasuke: WTF...

Me: Elborate...

Itachi: Well... IT WAS GENERAL MILLS FAULT...! 

Me: That guy with the blue suit, white beard, spyglass, wears a hat... rides a ship... 

Itachi: No... your thinking of Cap'n' Crunch... General Mills is the guy that wears the red suit, black boots, white beard, has a giant of crap, climbs down chimneys... you idiots know him as Santa...?

Me: Oh... i see...

Itachi: Yes... its a tragic story... You see... i met the general at a ceral convention and his cerally goodness was too good to resist... soon, i found myself in a large debt... i first i thought was okay... seeing i am a ninja and all... but that all ended when General Mills teamed up the Trix rabbit... and that green guy from Lucky Charms... tear i was terrible... 

Sasuke: WTF... 

Itachi: They blackmailed me... saying that they would take my younger brother Sasuke if i didn't destroy my family... You see... the Uchiha's were the creator of coco puffs... it was a very prosperous business... 

Me: uh huh...

Sasuke: LIAR...! You big fat liar...!

Itachi: Please... don't comment on my weight... its a very delicate subject... pokes at nonexistant flab

Sasuke: You killed our family because you couldn't stand losing! Admit it... you bastard...! You thought i didn't know...? You killed everyone because you couldn't stand losing at the Uchiha Ping Pong Tournaments. You always came in last... before me... you always had a problem with losing... like that one time i accidentally beat you at that game and you tried to chop off my beautiful hair... 

Itachi: Sasuke... is that really you...? my dear younger brother... i havent' seen you since... since... 

Sasuke: Don't talk to me...

Me: that's your younger brother...? Is everything he just said true..

Itachi: Uh... he's jsut delusional... he never got over the death of mother and father... i had put into a mental ward to help him with this rough in his life... i just wished he trusted me... 

Sasuke: mmmph... mmm... mmmph... translation: You &$#&&! I'm going to kill you! 

Audience: He is such a great older brother... 

Me: Yes... speaking of brothers... or viewers would like to know why you excluded little Sasuke here from the same fate others in your family met... 

Itachi: you have to understand that i love wittle Sasu... very much... yes i do...

Sasuke: Shut up... your dead to me... 

Itachi: You have scarred me brother... anyway... i saved wittle Sasu because i needed a protege... you see all men have this man volcanoe that needs to be taught how to erupt properly or else you could end up like Neji Hyuga... or mayb Micheal Jackson...?  
?

Casey: Man volcano is not copyright of me... Casey D. Harper... super ace dectective... teacher's pet... UIL star... football person... baseball star... Orochimaru cheerleader... crash test dummy... etc...

Neji: I have a man volcanoe... its just under the water... where it doesn't erupt...

Itachi: since all male figures in his life were dead... i was the only one left... to teach him how to erupt... but as we all know that didn't work out as planned, so i did the next best thing...

Me: which would be...?

Itachi: with my parents out of the way... i needed some money to start my chocolate business... so i sold the right Sasuke to a prostitute ring once he reaches the age of eighteen...

Sasuke: WHAT...! WHAT KIND OF OLDER BROTHER ARE YOu...? 

Itachi: I am the Best Older Brother... holds up trophy 

Me: what was the contest like... and what did you do to win...?

Itachi: The experaince was wonderful... but in order to win... i did nothing... 

Me: really...? 

Itachi: Sesshomaru and Inuyashu got into a big fight near the end of the contest and did a terrible job on the How Well Do You Know Your Brother Portion... and Roy Mustang got disqualified because he didn't have a younger brother... 

Me: Well... congrats on your win... Sasuke do you have any parting words...?

Sasuke: Itachi, you big fat liar... you never taught me the shuriken thing... ! wail And i'm never going to forgive you for killing mom and dad... and you owe Ebay... three million dollars for my pikachu...! 

Itachi: twitch THREE MILLION DOLLARS...?

Sasuke: You never buy me anything...!

Itachi: BEEEEEEP... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP... BEEP... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP... BEEEEEEEP...!

Me: uh...

Announcer person: Guests of this show stay at the Ramen Hotel run by Naruto Uzumaki... concessions today are provided by the Itachi Mocing Chocolate Van... Itachi chocolates come in three flavors... murdertastic berry... bubbly depression... and regular... also try our newest line of Itachi products... the Sasuke Truffle...

Itachi: Itachi Chocolates... where the taste can kill you... smirk Available wherever Random H-Bombs are sold... 

Announcer guy: lighting of this show was provided by the Bop Bop Bop Bop Bop Bop Bop Bop crystal... lent by Orochimaru... 

Sasuke: Too many Bops...! There are six Bops.. you said eight...

T.T Oo TT 


End file.
